So, We’re Moving

Less than two weeks ago, our landlords told us they were selling the building, and to kindly GTFO ASAP, and many other acronyms as well.

We’re waiting to hear about an apartment, and hopefully it will work out, because Adam and I have very different ideas about what constitutes a dream home.

Adam’s dream home:

hauntedhouse

Basically, Mr. Burns’ house from “The Simpsons.” Bonus points if it comes with dogs and/or a vengeful spirit. He likes this place because:

1. It’s big enough so that we can be alone whenever we want, even if there are people over.

2. Lots of space for video games and/or vintage apparel.

3. Additional bonus points if the neighborhood resembles a demilitarized zone.

My dream home:

plaza

Basically, the Plaza, circa Eloise. I like this because:

1. Doormen and other attendants mean that I never have to either do anything for myself, or ever forget how special I am.

2. Gym in the building means that there’s a 32 percent chance that I might actually work out.

3. Often a bar nearby.

You see the problem. Please, everyone, send your good energy into this place that we’re waiting on right now. Otherwise, we’re going to have to move into the Addam’s Family House. It’s the only place that boasts genuine opportunity for terror and doormen.

10 Things That Changed in the First 10 Years of Jennie Smash

So, last month was my 10-year anniversary of having this here blog, and in my now-typical fashion, I failed to commemorate it, because I was busy writing things for money and/or sleeping.

In the past year or two, I’ve sometimes thought about rolling up the old blog for good, or refocusing it on something more, er, focused. For the past 10 years, I’ve kept this blog largely in the manner of Victorian daybooks, or a 12-year-old’s diary: in other words, for fun, and without any real unifying theme.

That makes it kind of fun to go over my old posts, and remember how I was at the time. My first post, for example, was about how pissed off I was. About what, we do not know — it is lost to sands of time and the internet, or something.

In short, even though some of the old writing is embarrassing, I like having the time capsule. So I’ll probably keep on blogging sporadically, until I go on a diet, and then I’ll blog every day for month.

Here’s where I’d put a transition, if I were writing this for money. And now, in no particular order, here’s what’s changed in my life over the past ten years! (Trumpets blare.)

1. I write stuff for money. OK, technically, my job ten years ago involved some writing, but bylines were few and far between, and I mostly moved content from one place to another and summarized it.

2. I’m married. In 2003, my longest post-college relationship was about three weeks long. My friend and traveling companion Adam has put up with my ever-migrating pile of shoes and sweaters and tendency to talk to myself for five years.

3. I live in New York. In 2005, I ran away from home at the age of 29. I think everyone is pretty surprised I survived here. I still wish we could get the high-speed rail dealie going so that I could visit my folks in Massachusetts without losing half a day and all my marbles getting there, but I still love New York 10 months out of the year. (The bad months, as any New Yorker will tell you, are August and February.)

4. I’m an old.
There’s a whole new generation of workers now, and they have every bit as bad a reputation as we hoary old Gen Xers did when we first arrived. Seriously, young folks, do not despair: when I was your age, we were all going to ruin the world with our high ideals and poor work ethic. You’ll change the world, and the world will change you. Ten years from now, you’ll be rolling your eyes at the whippersnappers in the intern pool, and everyone will have forgotten how you almost ruined everything with your Twitters and crowdfunding and sexting.

5. Parts of my body just stopping working.
This is probably part and parcel of No. 3, but did you know that your body can just, like, crap out on you? My thyroid went first. Thank God we live in the future and they can give you medicine for that, or I’d look like a cartoon witch, brittle hair and misshapen body included. (My hairpins still fly out all the time, even when my thyroid medication is optimized, so we won’t count that.)

6. I’m an aunt. My sister has two kids now, Oz and Luci. It’s sort of hard to remember what life was like without them.

7. My folks retired and moved to the Cape. This means that I have a summer house, which is very convenient, as my income stream is variable and unpersuasive to mortgage brokers.

8. I’ve been a redhead so long now that I really don’t know what color my natural hair is anymore.
I seem to remember that it was vaguely gingery-browny-ash-blond — a.k.a. boring grownup white person color.

9. I no longer wear heels unless someone is getting married or has died. Even then, I carry flats in my purse.

10. I’m addicted to my Kindle, even though I never thought I’d get on board with book-replacement technology. In fact, I spend so much time looking at screens every day, I’m pretty sure I’m going to have cataracts by the time I’m 40.

I’m still, as you might have guessed, a hypochondriac.

skull

Remembering the Good Guys

Last summer, I accidentally told my 4-year-old nephew about 9/11.

In my defense, he’s smarter than I am. Anything I come up with to distract him so that I can get something done is always going to backfire. On some level, I think he knows that adults are trying to fob him off on a distraction so that they can not pay attention to him, and he is not having any, thanks very much.

We were packing up to leave the Cape after a two-week vacation, me and Adam, my sister, and her children, and Mom and Dad. Dad was bleaching the whole house or something and Mom was probably washing Christmas decorations that she’d found in the basement. Meg, I assume, was looking for someone’s favorite toy. Adam schlepped boxes in and out from the house, and I camped out in the mini-van, trying to keep Oz from throwing himself in the lake or jumping off the roof or starting smoking — whatever dangerous thing he had planned in his preschooler mind.

We were sitting in the front seat of the van, and I was showing him Google images of New York on my phone. Although he’s only been once, for my wedding when he was two years old, Oz is obsessed with New York. (Sample conversation: “Oh, boy! You know what, Mommy? I gonna go to Uncle Jennie’s house, and we gonna go to the Statue of Livery. I gonna have a pretzel, and a lemonade.” Kid knows how to party.)

So we were looking for pictures of the Statue of Livery, and of course, the very first one was the statue in the foreground, the burning towers in the background. I tried clicking past it.

“What’s that?” Oz asked.

“The Statue of Liberty,” I said. “Look at this one! It’s an old picture, from the ’40s!”

“What was that one?”

I sighed.

“Uncle Jennie, what was wrong with those buildings?”

I shut my phone off and said, “Those buildings were the World Trade Center, buddy. They don’t exist anymore.”

Big eyes wide. “Why?”

“Some bad guys knocked them down. That picture was just before.”

“Let me see.”

I turned my phone back on and cued up the picture and passed it over. He looked at it, being very careful not to touch the screen so the picture wouldn’t go away. He’s significantly better with touchscreens than I am.

“Why did they do that?”

“Well, it’s complicated. Not even most adults really understand everything about why a person would do something like that. ”

Oz thought a minute. “Can I see them?”

“Who, Ozbot?”

“The bad guys.”

I had a brief mental picture of showing my nephew a photo of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, looking like an evil muppet who had just been woken out of a thousand-year slumber, and dismissed it.

“You know, when bad guys do stuff like this, we don’t like to concentrate on them,” I said.

“Why?”

“Because that’s what they want. We don’t understand everything about why they do what they do, but we know they want our attention. So instead, we look at the good guys, the guys who help.” I flicked my phone and did a quick search. “See these guys?”

“They’re firemen!”

“That’s right. They’re some of the people who helped, after. And these guys…”

“Policemen! Like my daddy.”

“Like your daddy. It’s better to think about the helpers, the people who make things better after something bad happens.”

“OK. You know what, though?”

“What?”

“I have a whole bag of candy, and I can eat it, because it’s vacation.” He looked at me innocently.

“It’s 10 a.m., man.”

“Yeah, but maybe we should go get my bag of candy now.”

Just then, Meg came out of the house, holding a basket of beloved, absolutely essential toys that had been left to moulder under couches for a week, and Oz sprang out of the car like he hadn’t seen her in a year, and started making his case about the candy.

“No, it’s 10 a.m. You can have juice. Go ask Gaga.”

When he ran into the house, I said, “Good news! I accidentally told your son about 9/11.” And I told her the story.

“Oh, that’s a relief,” she said. “Maybe we’ll send him to you for all the difficult discussions.”

“It takes a village,” I agreed.

image_09_10_010_wtcsmoke_liberty

Image: U.S. National Park Service, via Amistad Digital Resource

Terms Considered Difficult or Impossible to Translate Into English

Every so often, my brain shorts out toward the end of my work day, and I fall into an internet hole and find poetry at the bottom. This Wikipedia entry on terms that don’t translate is possibly the ultimate example of one of those holes.

A few examples:

cafuné: Brazilian Portuguese. The act of fondling someone’s hair.

pinchar: Spanish. To call a mobile phone once and hang up, either so that the other person can call you back and save money, or so that they can store your phone number. Could also mean to sting, flirt (or be flirted at), puncture, pierce, prick, or fuck. (I can see how the progression worked from puncture, but I’m wondering who was the first person to suggest that someone, uh, pierce their phone by calling it once, if you see what I mean.)

Sitzriese: German. A person who appears tall when sitting.

saudade: Galician or Portuguese. The feeling of missing something or someone.

Language is amazing and beautiful and enough of a miracle for anyone, really.

saudade

Image: Basilievich/Flickr

What It’s Like to Apply for Health Insurance in 2013

In October 2011, I got laid off. It was a department-wide layoff, and I was definitely the most excited person in the room. I was doing math while HR spoke to us about not coming back to the office drunk and kicking over desks. By the end of the HR director’s Office Space routine, I’d figured out that I’d get 12 weeks of severance — plenty of money to start up my own business, which is what I’d been wanting to do for at least two years.

Even better, I’d get COBRA for 18 months, starting at the end of my severance. My health insurance was pretty spectacular, and I wanted to hang onto it as long as possible. If I’d known then when I know now, I would have clung to it even more tightly.

Fast forward to May, 2013. My COBRA, I knew, would come to an end as of July 31. Being a thorough type of person, I decided to start researching right away, to make sure that I’d have the best possible coverage by the time my old insurance was through.

Well.

It turns out, in 2013, there is not such thing as good coverage for a sole proprietor. There is either shitty coverage, for a lot of money each month, and a medium-sized deductible, or OK coverage, for a lot of money each month, and a gigantic deductible. There are other options, where I believe they just come over to your house, take all your old stereo equipment and your wedding rings, have sex with your spouse, break your knees, and leave, but you can usually avoid that, as long as you’re not overweight.

I’m mostly kidding.

My actual options were:

1. Health insurance plan A, the HMO version of my awesome coverage from my old company. This would be through Adam’s student association, and seemed pretty great — except that he’d have to switch to it, too, and we’d have to pay up front for the rest of the year, to the tune of about $3,000. Pass.

2. Health insurance plan B, through the same company that insures NYC teachers, firemen, cops, and sanitation workers. Accepted by no one, because fuck all those useless people, right? Who do they think they are? This one was reasonably priced, meaning that it only cost as much as my rent each month.

3. Health insurance plan C. High deductible, just about the same rate as plan B, accepted by all my doctors. Available through one of my professional associations. I went with this one, for obvious reasons. By the time I work through the deductible, though, it’ll be 2014, and I’ll have to start over again. But at least if I get really sick, I’ll be covered.

I filed my paperwork and sent in my binder check, and waited. And waited. And waited. Two weeks before my insurance was due to start, I realized I might want to figure out if I’d been accepted. I called the office, instigating a massive search for my paperwork. While they looked, I went through the following scenarios in my head:

1. They’ve lost the paperwork for good, which means that my check and tax documents are just … out there, somewhere, waiting for someone to steal my identity.

2. They have my paperwork, but I’m being rejected for having used my old health insurance too much, and everyone at the insurance office is fighting over who has to be the person to tell me.

3. Option No. 2, plus all the other health insurance companies will reject me, and I won’t be able to get any health insurance, and I’ll wind up on NY1 telling everyone my sad story. Or more likely, I’ll set up an interview with NY1, and then get hit by a bus on the way over. While I’m flattened on the road, the emergency services people will lean over and whisper gently in my ear, “What insurance do you have?” And I will immediately expire from rage and frustration.

Shortly after my heart rate hit 150 and I started feeling lightheaded, the insurance office wrote to say my application was processing and everything looked good. I lay down on the rug and started doing Lamaze, although I am not pregnant and can’t afford to have a baby, even with health insurance.

Anyway, I’m telling you all this so that you’ll understand what it’s like in my head at all times, and also what it’s like to try to get insurance right now. I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about what’s going to happen to us when Obamacare goes through, and maybe it’ll be a nightmare hellscape, but I have to say, trying anything at this point is better than trying nothing. Let’s all keep our fingers crossed that things get better, not worse.

frogger

Image: hfb/Flickr

So You’re in Hell: 9 More Things You Can’t Do in This Christing Heat

Dear Con Edison,

I recently received, via my internet mailbox, a helpful missive from you entitled “9 Tips to Stay Cool in the Heat.” I used to compose email newsletters for one of my thousands of jobs, and so I was surprised and impressed at the helpful information contained in your message, which included such advice as “buy an expensive new air conditioner, and wait for us to mail you $25,” “close your blinds,” and “don’t turn your oven on.”

I couldn’t help but notice that all of your advice, except for the bit about the air conditioner, was appropriate for either a heatwave or the zombie apocalypse. Or, as my friend Kate put it, “Sit in the dark and don’t bake a cake.” Since that’s generally how I behave when I’m at home — sitting in the dark, not making food — I’m not sure that it will make a big difference in my quality of life, but I appreciate the thought anyway.

To show you how much I appreciate it, I thought I’d compose a list of things that you, Con Edison, the anthropomorphized corporate entity, should not do during this horrible heatwave. You are welcome in advance. I’ll not see you on the jitney, as I’m too broke from buying new energy-efficient ACs to go to the Hamptons.

1. Do not bend over and kiss your own ass. As amusing as this would be for me, I know from trying to do basic physical therapy exercises in my living room that it’s far too hot for anything that strenuous.

2. In fact, do not do anything other than lie on your sofa and suffer like the rest of us dumb animals. The good news is, it’s too hot to care about how boring you’re being.

3. Do not do anything involving the suffix “-out.” That includes brownouts, blackouts, wipeouts, etc. It’s very hard to get to my roof. I have to climb up the side of the building or out through a hatch with a wobbly ladder. This makes it very hard to catch a breeze and/or leap to my death when it gets to warm to live. Please have pity.

4. Do not suggest solutions that involve money. Your clients are already paying approximately $1.3 million each per month to have air conditioning. We don’t have any more money. You took it all.

5. Do not propose suggestions that involve leaving the house. How would I get this miracle AC unit of which you speak? I imagine I’d have to go out and get it. This being New York, I would also have to hump it home. It’d be like portaging a canoe, only without the refreshing river breeze. I’m a heavy sweater. You don’t want to see what happens when I try to do my own shopping in the heat.

6. Look, I know about AC vents. Stop with the AC vents. We all know we’re supposed to clean them and we never do. We’re all growing a new and deadly breed of Legionnaire’s Disease in our lungs, the bunch of us, but we’re too hot to be arsed.

7. Do not try to cool off by sticking your head in the freezer. I just tried it. It works for a minute, but then the ice cubes start to go and pretty soon you start to worry about the ice cream. And since we’ve already established that no one is going out until October, we need to hold onto all the ice cream we have.

8. About this item: “When you set your thermostat, keep in mind that every degree you lower it increases costs by 6 percent.” How much do I increase my bill if I keep turning the AC down, but the temperature on my thermostat continues to climb? Eventually, does it cancel out, causing money to spontaneously regenerate in my bank account? Is this a mystery of finance or physics?

9. Do not send me any more fucking email updates. I understand that this is my own fault for not unsubscribing, but it’s to hot to click links.

Thanks again for your assistance and understanding.

I am hot, and not in a fun way,

Your customer

airconditioner

Image: Todd Morris/Flickr

The White Rabbit

If you want to see me really flip out, wait until I miss an appointment. It’ll be a long wait, because it doesn’t happen all that often. However, when it does, I lose human form and turn into a horrible shrieking weep-beast. So if that’s your favorite thing, hang around.

The weep-beast has made an appearance twice this year so far, at least, because I have all these physical therapy appointments, and it’s hard to keep track of them on top of my work-related stuff. I’ve been pretty good, but I did miss an appointment a few months back, because we picked an earlier time than usual, and I spaced, and then one day, I was 20 minutes late because of traffic.

So Monday, when I missed my appointment, it was either my second or third time missing, depending on how you feel about extreme lateness. Thank God Adam was home, otherwise, I think I would have gone back to bed for the day and called it a wash.

“I have a suggestion,” he said, after I stopped doing my Don Music impression. “Why don’t you ask them to give you the same time, on the same days, as much as they can? Because it seems like you only miss when you have a weird appointment time.”

I stopped gnashing my teeth and stared at him.

“They keep giving you all these odd appointment times,” he explained patiently, mistaking my catatonia for incomprehension. “And I just think–”

“No, no, I get it,” I said. “I’m just wondering why I never thought of that.”

“Well, beating yourself up is a full-time job.”

Reason #427 to get married: perspective from a smart person.

"I'm late! I'm late!"
“I’m late! I’m late!”

Image: dullhunk/Flickr