Why I Haven’t Been Writing

This bloggo has been pretty quiet for a while and here’s why: I’m having a tough time.

I wouldn’t call what I have postpartum depression. Not exactly. It started a long time after I gave birth, for one thing, and for another, I’m not convinced it has to do with having a baby. It’s more to do with having a baby in the current cultural moment.

I’ll try to explain. I love my baby and my work, but it’s proving impossible to be a good mom and a good worker. This is unresolvable, as far as I can see, because I have to work. (And again, I love my work. But even if I didn’t, I’d have to do it, because money.)

What about childcare, you ask? Well, here’s the problem. Adam and I swap shifts. We both work three 12-hour days a week and take care of Baboo three days a week, and in theory we have one day together each week as a family. Because his schedule is irregular, and includes working every other weekend, we sometimes go two weeks without a family day.

Again, it seems like childcare would solve this problem, but it’s harder than you might think to arrange part-time childcare. Most nannies and sitters and daycares want full-time commitments. Because I’m working less than I used to, we also don’t have a lot of extra money lying around, which makes it difficult to afford any childcare at all.

Meanwhile, we make things work by working all the time. A typical day at home for me involves 13 hours of baby time, two or three hours of work, and about one hour of household labor (trying to make sure we eat vegetables, pay our bills, and don’t live in squalor).

I can’t seem to find time to:

-Write my own stuff

-Exercise

-See friends

I’m short on sleep. Also, I’m bad at all the things I do, or at least not as good at them as I used to be. Once, I was early with my paying assignments; now, I’m always just under the wire. (Potential clients, please note: I’m still hitting those deadlines, which makes me more reliable than 95 percent of writers. Hire me, etc.) I used to be a pretty good friend and family member; now, I’m lucky if I can remember to wish people a happy birthday on Facebook … which reminds you to wish people a happy birthday.

It’s just a tremendous bummer and I’m so tired, physically and mentally. If this blog post had sound effects, there would be a giant fart noise right here, because that’s how I feel.

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