In Which I Solve All Your Problems

Bed bugs are everywhere, makeup is full of nasty chemicals, and even sunscreen (maybe) causes cancer. What are we to do?

I have the solution. From now on, I will wear a radiation suit. This will keep away all bugs and harmful UV rays. Instead of makeup, I will place a flattering soft-pink filter over my face plate.

Perhaps I’ll wear mine to Fashion Week. It will give people something else to look at, besides PETA protesters and worn-down Louboutins.


This Is Why We’re Getting Married

Sgt Lucky: ever feel so lazy that to avoid doing one thing, you do something stupid that ends up taking more effort?

Jennie Smash: you have just described my entire working life

Sgt Lucky: lol

Sgt Lucky: Follow me here… 44 cent stamp covers a 1 oz letter.

Jennie Smash: with you so far

Sgt Lucky: I could go to the post office to make sure the whole invitation package can be done with 1 stamp.

Sgt Lucky: Instead, I use google to find out that 5 quarters weigh about 1 oz.

Jennie Smash: ha ha hah

Jennie Smash: oh MY

Sgt Lucky: Then rig a scale using the invitation, 5 quarters, a plastic straw, button yarn, and scotch tape.

Sgt Lucky: … I think 44 cents will cover it using that very uncontrolled method.

Jennie Smash: shut up

Jennie Smash: you didn’t

Sgt Lucky: Also, it took me 5 min to find the tape.