My friends, it is long past time for me to have a small vacation. I can tell, because I’m getting subway rage. Anyone who cuts in front of me, slops over into my seat, steps on my foot, or smells bad runs the risk of getting my pointy little freckled elbow right in their eyeball. That’s just about everyone, FYI.
I don’t want to talk to strangers — not even cab drivers or laundromat attendants, people I usually find quite entertaining. I do not care what they did back in Haiti. I’m sorry that life has been difficult lately. Still, I do not wish to hear about their ungrateful children.
If you have a stroller, you should learn how to jog with it or get out of my way. If you are in front of me on line, you should move forward immediately as soon as the person in front of you moves up. If you are looking for an address, you should move out of the middle of the sidewalk. If you do not, well, here comes the elbow again.
Saturday, I will be going to the Cape with Ma and Pa Smash, Mrs. Piddlington and the LT (Mr. Piddlington, who is actually a Captain, but “the LT” is more fun to say). We will sit on the beach. We will eat fried foods. We will read books and not pester each other while we are reading books — unlike, say the laundromat attendant this evening, who felt that I was reading out of boredom, and would love to hear about her kids.
The origins of this tirade, I hope, are now clear. I cannot wait for vacation!
Do you know about this thing Dodgeball? No, not the humilating game, played by my middle school classmates and at yours truly. Dodgeball, the social networking phenomenon. What you do is, you go to the website and sign yourself up. And then you get a bunch of friends to sign up as well. (Or, more likely, if you’re me, your friends ask you to sign up, and then wait patiently while you absorb the information. “Dodgeball? Will people throw things at me? No? Is it like Friendster? No? I’m just not sure about this. But you say I should sign up? Is it free?” And so on.)
Anyway, it is free, and here’s how it works. Via the site, and some means I’ve never quite figured out, you text and email your network of friends with your current location and activities, and then they can meet you wherever you are, if they wish. This saves you the trouble of actually texting your friends by hand, the old-fashioned way, which is wonderful if your hands have been replaced by hooks, or if you’re very drunk, or if you’re hoping that your ex-boyfriend, whom you “accidentally” forgot to remove from your network, will come stalk you at your favorite bar, grill, or speakeasy.
I’m not smart enough to figure this out, but it’s probably just as well. I only like about five people at any given time, and am more than able to text those people by hand (or hook), in any state of drunkenness. You can ask them. They’ll tell you.
Also, to be honest, if I were to lob them a dodgeball, it would look like this:
dodgeball.com :: jennie s. checked in…
Hey there, your friend jennie s. just checked in at her small but well-appointed home in brooklyn. She is lying around in her underpants and eating cheese.
Why not swing by and say hello?
“Maybe you’re the one who should be spayed! Hopefully your are sterile…I’d hate to see your hatred passed on to innocent children.” [Exclamation point mine; misspellings hers.]
You’ll be happy to know, pal o’mine, that I try to spread my hatred to any and all impressionable children who are left in my care. So as long as Mrs. P has kids, it shouldn’t matter if I’m sterile. I can still destroy the youth of America.
Me: I think Barack Obama should be our next president.
Ma Smash: You think Eric Bana should be our next president?
Me: No! Barack Obama! Barack Obama!
Ma Smash: I know you love him, Jennie, but do you really think he knows enough about American politics? He’s Australian. Also, they’d have to amend the Constitution.
Me: Mum. BAR-ACK. OH. BAH. MA. Do you know who that is?
Ma Smash: Oh! I thought you said Eric Bana.
Ma Smash: Well, I have no idea who that is.
Ma Smash: But I’m glad you didn’t say Eric Bana. I don’t think that would work.
Ma Smash: Hello? Sweetheart?
To quote the Donut: “I want to see a medical exam.”
I woke up Saturday morning at about 8 a.m. This is not usual. Also: I was on my couch. Also, my Dad was sitting in the chair opposite, with a pair of pliers in his hand, working over the cable wire. When he saw that my eyes were open, he said, “I’ve figured it out. The stupid cable guy cut both ends. What time does the hardware store open?”
“I have no idea,” I croaked. “Nine?”
He nodded. “I’ll go out and get some coffee and muffins soon. And then I’ll stop by the hardware store and get some ends for this. We’ll have this up and running in no time!” He examined the end again. “Cut both ends. That’s not right, you know. This end is your property.”
My folks came to visit me this weekend, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I miss them now. We went to see the Statue of Liberty and hung out with my cousin in Chelsea and lounged around my place. Also, my Dad rewired my cable and my Mom cleaned my livingroom. And then Dad hung all my paintings and such. When they left, I looked around in shock. In five hours they’d managed to do more than I have since I moved into the place.
One of these days I’m going to grow up. Just not, you know, soon.