Let’s have a look at your so-called "Valentine’s Day"

Before you jump to conclusions, and decide that the following post is merely the result of embittered singledom, let me assure you: Even when I have a boyfriend, I hate Valentine’s Day. It is so, so gay, and not in the super-fun 1920s slang way, nor in the “I enjoy the sex with people whose parts resemble my own” way, but rather in the way of snotnosed third graders harrassing each other during four-square. So. Gay.

Valentine’s Day exists to make you feel bad. Do you have a partner? No? Then you’re a loser. Got a partner? Great! What did you get him or her? Really. Hmmm. No, I’m sure they’ll like it. No, no, I wasn’t saying that at all. It’s just that one generally sends fruit baskets to those in mourning, but I understand that jewelry might give the wrong impression, and that underwear is too forward, and that chocolate is fattening and so on. Hand-puppets, maybe. Have you considered those? Because I have this friend who makes puppets, chiefly of people fucking. She’s a lot of fun, my puppet-making friend.

Anyway. Do you know the origins of Valentine’s Day? Let me clue you in. Valentine’s Day is named for the Christian martyr St. Valentine, who was (allegedly) beheaded on that date in or around the year 270. That was a fucking long time ago, but it took Hallmark, etc., a couple thousand years to catch on to the merchandizing opportunities inherent in the beheading of martyrs, and so in the year muhfahfah we got special greeting cards and chocolates and small wheelbarrow full of guilt, loneliness and expectation. On the whole, the beheading only looks half-bad.

Oh, I nearly forgot to mention: St. Valentine was beaten with clubs before his beheading. I don’t know whether that was a planned prelude to his execution, or whether they were trying to beat him to death and it didn’t work, so they decided, fine, just cut his damn head off, but anyway, it was a really bad day for our pal, OK?

But it’s probably not fair to blame Valentine’s Day on the greeting card companies. (And even if it wasn’t, I like to be original in my cheap observational humor, so bear with me.) And anyway, according to my brief and thoroughly unscientific Internet research, the association of Valentine’s Day with love and sex and all that good stuff is probably Chaucer’s fault: “Valentine’s day, when every fowl doth choose his mate.”

That naughty Chaucer. First fart jokes and now this. Is there any end to this man’s gifts to Western society?


11 thoughts on “Let’s have a look at your so-called "Valentine’s Day"

  1. Hey, how come your comment page is different from my comment page?

    But getting back to why I’m here in the first place…Yes, Valentine’s Day is gay, but I will still celebrate it even though I’m single. I’m having all my lonely friends (guys and girls) over for my Lovesagna dinner. That way we can all at least hang out with someone cool on Valentine’s day. Plus, I’m handing out mini-bottles of Jose Cuervo as door prizes.

  2. You know, I’m not sure. It just changed today. Pesky Blogger.

    Anyway, your Valentine’s Day sounds spectacular. Anything involving lasagna is generally to be recommended. Can you tell that I spent my whole childhood reading Garfield books?

  3. I propose we celebrate Valentines day chicago style.

    We elminate our rivals and in turn signal our own personal downfall.

    Thereby making this day, less gay, and more self destructive.

    Chewy……….as if we needed more self-destructive holidays

  4. not to be overly PC… but I really don’t like your use of the term “gay.” I know, I know… you qualify it and all that jazz… but it still isn’t cool. Here I am, patiently waiting for the day when morons will stop using it to mean something stupid and cheesy while at the same time referring to myself and half my friends with the same term, and I find that even the cool people cannot keep from using it to mean stupid and cheesy themselves. No offense taken, and none meant by this post, but PLEASE try to use some other term, otherwise you just encourage all the people who want to be like you (which is everyone) to use it too. Thanks.

  5. I understand your point, and see how it could be upsetting … but you do understand that it’s completely ridiculous for you to ask me to change how I express myself on my own blog? I mean, completely ridiculous. Stop reading it, if you don’t like it. Or better yet, get your own blog and write an entry about how people like me are part of the problem. I certainly won’t argue with you.

  6. OK, one more point: We do hate to hurt people’s feelings here at the Smash. We hate hurt of any kind: vaccinations, arguments, leg cramps, everything. BUT … and let’s drop the “we” because it is, um, lame … I promise you that this PC nonsense will destroy your rights, no matter what your orientation, race or affiliation.

    As a girl-shaped person, I read things all the time — often on the websites of close friends and people I admire — that raise my hackles. And if we’re discussing how things are going, I might say, “Hey, dude guy, you do know that [such and such] doesn’t reflect well on my fellow humans of the pink-booties persuasion, right?”

    And this is OK. But it’s also OK if they keep writing like that, because, free country, right?

  7. I guess you can look at the what happened to Valentine before his death, “beaten with clubs”

    A great indicator of what was going to happen to furture generations tha try and live up to the tradition of this silly Hallmark Holiday.

    Cards should read, ‘I don’t mean to tear your heart out, but well, here we are….’ or something from family, and exs, ‘So you’re still single after all this time….’


  8. The only thing gayer than V-day is the selection of cards for said occasion. I spent solid hour mulling over the drab selection of sacharine poems, overly dramatic mush, and cutsey Peanuts and Garfield humor to find something… anything that I can send to keep my tit out of the ringer with the ladies who expect a Hallmark on Monday. Who writes this sh@t anyway???

  9. So what are some of the “offensive to girls” comments that really burn you up? I probably use all of them multiple times daily, and like your use of gay (HOW DARE YOU!!!!!), will continue to use them.

  10. Actually, there aren’t any specific terms that bother me. I’m fairly potty-mouthed myself. I’m more offended by the idea that I would rip every last hair right outten my cooch with hot wax and put floss up my crack in order to make a man find me more desirable. Or that somehow my attractiveness will wain with age or would be negatively affected by weight gain. Shit like that, that boys don’t have to deal with. That stuff offends me.

    But you can call your pal a pussy if he won’t go out on Monday night, and that’s okay by me.

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