I was looking at my stats this morning, and I’ve figured out that I get the best traffic when I whine about boys. This is amusing to me, because it supports a theory that I’ve had for a long time, which is that the Internet is basically just a ginormous electronic version of Opposite Day. (You remember Opposite Day from elementary school. “I love Jimmy Feldman. PSYCH! It’s Opposite Day! BURN!” And Jimmy Feldman would slink off into the corner and cry. Or plot his revenge. Most of my friends were Jimmy Feldman in school.)
Anyway, my point is that the Internet seems to take boring things like, say, incessant complaining, and make them interesting to people, and I’m not sure how. I suspect it has something to do with all of us Internet addicts being a self-selecting audience of nerdlingers (hi, Jimmy!), and also being stuck at a desk all day.
Because I believe in giving the people what they want, whether it’s George W. Bush, green ketchup or dumb blog entries about dumb boys — marketing! It’s the American way! — this entry will be entirely about the stupidity of men.
So. Today’s whine is light white with a tinge of bitterness and an oaky foundation of bemusement. I have selected it to compliment a hot steaming plate of … oh screw this metaphor. Listen. Here’s the deal. I’ve had a boyfriend for like half an hour now, and already I’ve lost one male friend. Where’d he go? I dunno. A month ago we were chitter-chattering on e-mail like old pals, and now he’s scarpered off to wherever boys scarper off to.
Oh, give him a break, you say. Maybe he’s busy.
Grow up, okay? He’s not busy. He was plotting to get into my under-roos and now that I’m spoken for, he’s not returning my calls.
I was even more aggravated about this until I talked to my sister, who informed me that since she’s gotten married, she’s lost about 85% of her male friends. And not just because her husband has a lot of guns, either. Although, come to think of it, maybe that didn’t help.