Jennie Smash

By

Jen Hubley Luckwaldt

·

Sing it with me: Boys are dumb

I was looking at my stats this morning, and I’ve figured out that I get the best traffic when I whine about boys. This is amusing to me, because it supports a theory that I’ve had for a long time, which is that the Internet is basically just a ginormous electronic version of Opposite Day.…

I was looking at my stats this morning, and I’ve figured out that I get the best traffic when I whine about boys. This is amusing to me, because it supports a theory that I’ve had for a long time, which is that the Internet is basically just a ginormous electronic version of Opposite Day. (You remember Opposite Day from elementary school. “I love Jimmy Feldman. PSYCH! It’s Opposite Day! BURN!” And Jimmy Feldman would slink off into the corner and cry. Or plot his revenge. Most of my friends were Jimmy Feldman in school.)

Anyway, my point is that the Internet seems to take boring things like, say, incessant complaining, and make them interesting to people, and I’m not sure how. I suspect it has something to do with all of us Internet addicts being a self-selecting audience of nerdlingers (hi, Jimmy!), and also being stuck at a desk all day.

Because I believe in giving the people what they want, whether it’s George W. Bush, green ketchup or dumb blog entries about dumb boys — marketing! It’s the American way! — this entry will be entirely about the stupidity of men.

So. Today’s whine is light white with a tinge of bitterness and an oaky foundation of bemusement. I have selected it to compliment a hot steaming plate of … oh screw this metaphor. Listen. Here’s the deal. I’ve had a boyfriend for like half an hour now, and already I’ve lost one male friend. Where’d he go? I dunno. A month ago we were chitter-chattering on e-mail like old pals, and now he’s scarpered off to wherever boys scarper off to.

Oh, give him a break, you say. Maybe he’s busy.

Grow up, okay? He’s not busy. He was plotting to get into my under-roos and now that I’m spoken for, he’s not returning my calls.

I was even more aggravated about this until I talked to my sister, who informed me that since she’s gotten married, she’s lost about 85% of her male friends. And not just because her husband has a lot of guns, either. Although, come to think of it, maybe that didn’t help.

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Responses to “Sing it with me: Boys are dumb”

  1. Rod

    Well, I had no idea about this “boyfriend”… but I for one plan on staying friends with you, even though I am a guy… i have no designs on your under-roos, really.

    Reply
  2. Jennie SMASH!

    You better, motherfucker. I know where you live.

    Reply
  3. Anonymous

    Well, you avoided the first mistake that most women make in this circumstance: to deny that there was any chance the boy “friend” ever wanted to hit the skins with you. This guy for sure wanted to knock boots. That being said, there are guys that can stay friends with girls, even when they get boyfriends. The way to determine which are which, is usually that the guy who will stay friends with you gets laid. The other guy, instead of getting laid (or because he was unable to get laid) spent his time e-mailing with and talking to you. So, either
    1. he really liked you, and this prevented him from getting laid as he spent all his time pining for you (most likely in secret).
    2. he couldnt get laid, and consequently had to come up with another outlet for his frustration, resulting in a secret obsession to date you.

    I have a TON of girl “friends”, i love them all, and i am never happier than when they find a guy (and when they do find a guy, i immediately begin pitying him because they are all certiably insane (cute, intelligent, and great, but still insane)). On an somewhat related side note, i have slept with almost all of them, so one could attempt to make the argument “well, your situation is different, you were able to conquer the mystery with them, and this guy “friend” was never able to do that with Hubes”. But that theory falls short because i do have a couple of girl friends who were smart enough to not let me get in their roos, and i have remained friends with them, single or otherwise spoken for (can i end a sentence with a preposition, is that even a preposition, i was a business major and am borderline illiterate).

    This guy needs to decide if he is going to be a big punani and let a good friend slip away because he has a crush on you, or whether he will be a true friend, be happy you have found someone, and share in your joy. Until you realize that this new boyfriend is also an asshole (we all are, dont be fooled, and dont let any of us tell you differently), and then call the old boy “friend” for sympathy.

    Or, you could always just get him a gift certificate at the closest oriental spa, let him go get a non self inflicted happy ending, and he might come around.

    Reply
  4. Bob Fuckin’ Smith

    Every man wants to sleep with every woman he’s not related to. Every man sizes up every other dude he doesn’t know in the room when he walks into a party, bar, or wherever. Every man would piss on every fire hydrant he came across if he could, and it is every man’s dream to punt a small fu-fu dog across a football field.

    Reply
  5. Bob Fuckin’ Smith

    Every man wants to sleep with every woman he’s not related to. Every man sizes up every other dude he doesn’t know in the room when he walks into a party, bar, or wherever. Every man would piss on every fire hydrant he came across if he could, and it is every man’s dream to punt a small fu-fu dog across a football field.

    Reply
  6. Anonymous

    Oh, honey, when I got engaged to the fabulous E., I had one male friend that just disappeared. Vanished. Thin-freaking-air. Never to be seen again, you know? We were great friends, or so I thought, and then? Gone. Tragic. But unfortunately, that’s just the way of the loserish male, slinking away when he can’t get his way. Not all boys are like this, but an overwhelming number are. ::Sigh::

    –Christine

    Reply
  7. Anonymous

    The real thing is: is it wrong for guys to do that? So he wanted to put his ding-ding in your wing-wing. Maybe he didn;t really want that, but wanted to be very special to you, but now someone else is even MORE special to you than he ever could be. And so, he slinks away instead of feeling the pain of seeing you not with him. Isn’t he saving you a headache and himself confusion?

    Reply
  8. Bob Fuckin’ Smith

    Guys, the message here is: YOU CAN’T WIN! Either you’re emasculated as an over-sensitive, pathetic half-man, or you’re a neanderthal rapist. Such beliefs are part of the reason why it’s called the “BATTLE of the sexes”, not the “minor misunderstanding of the sexes”. . .

    Reply
  9. Bob Fuckin’ Smith

    Guys, the message here is: YOU CAN’T WIN! Either you’re emasculated as an over-sensitive, pathetic half-man, or you’re a neanderthal rapist. Such beliefs are part of the reason why it’s called the “BATTLE of the sexes”, not the “minor misunderstanding of the sexes”. . .

    Reply
  10. Princess Potty Mouth

    *raises hand* OHHH.. I have a comment… Ok I am a young-ish girl (19), most of my friends are male… (I can actually count my girl friends on one hand) I have never been in a serious relationship… but when I have dated I find that my guy friends don’t have too much say or do int he whole thing… I can also say that yeah I have slept with a few of my guy friends and dated or whatever… but all of my guyfriends kow my deal… I DONT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP…. now my question is.. What if I was to get into a relationship? Are you telling me I would lose my really good friends?

    To tell you the truth I find that I lose my guy friends when they start dating new girls… Well usually if the girl doesnt know me anyway… The way it all sounds to me is that in real life girls and guys arent aloud to be friends or something… and that would drive me nuts.. cause I can;t stand girls… so to tell you some more truth I think its the other way arounf I dont think the guy friend buggers off when the girl has a new realationship I think the guy friend buggers off when he has a new relationship… It’s jelious girlfriend syndrome…

    I actually had one of my best guy friends call me one night when we had plans to go out for Pizza and a movie… He had to cancel cause his new girlfriend worked at a store across the street from the theatre and he didnt want to risk her seeing us together cause she didnt like the fact that we were such good friends… They broke up a few months later and he totally appoligiezed to me for her being an ass and then we went back to doing all the normal hang out-y stuff we did before….

    All I am really sure of (in my youthful experience) never sleep with your best guy friends roommate (I didnt do this…. but I saw all the choas revolving around it)

    Anyway thats it…. like your bloggy dude

    Reply

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