Jennie Smash

By

Jen Hubley Luckwaldt

·

Strident screed

About two years ago, I was telling my Dad a story about my then-boyfriend’s psycho ex. This girl was a genuine nutter. She called him at work and screamed into the phone for hours. She broke into his house and went through his garbage. A real candidate for a daytime talk show. My father listened…

About two years ago, I was telling my Dad a story about my then-boyfriend’s psycho ex. This girl was a genuine nutter. She called him at work and screamed into the phone for hours. She broke into his house and went through his garbage. A real candidate for a daytime talk show.

My father listened to my story with a grave expression on his face. I mistook it for attention. I was playing the story for laughs, and figured he didn’t want to miss a thing. After I was finished, he said, in his most serious tone of voice, “I just have one thing to say: You show me a crazy woman, and I’ll show you the man who made her that way.”

Now I know what he means.

In the past few months, I have had a number of guys pop up and disappear like whack-a-moles, which isn’t odd. What is odd is the sheer number of filthy suggestions I seem to be accumulating these days, from men I don’t even know, and from formers who seem to think that I am the fluffer around here.

Memo to all men: I am not the fluffer. I don’t know who spread this rumor, but I bet she used to go out with one of you, and is pissed. I just have one thing to say: Never trust a woman who is going through your garbage.

More disturbing than any of this, I think, is the feedback I’m getting from my male friends on what they’re looking for in potential partners. As near as I can tell, all men are now looking for a girl who depilitates her entire body, with the exception of the top of her head; wears thong underpants, even to bed; likes going to strip clubs and baseball games, and wants to have public sex in both places; is bisexual, and has a hot best friend.

Guys. It’s called porn. If it were reality, it’d be called “documentary.”

But seriously. Where have all the flowers gone? Somebody help me.

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Responses to “Strident screed”

  1. cantellthatkid

    Why does what I say always sound better when you repeat it that it did when I said it when I said it, eh?

    Oh ya, click on my blog for another memo.

    Reply
  2. Anonymous

    Where have all the young men gone,
    Long time passing.

    Where have all the young men gone,
    Long time ago.

    Where have all the young men gone,
    Gone to soldier’s every one.

    When will they ever learn?
    When will they ever learn.

    Reply
  3. Anonymous

    Hello. This is your friendster Ed. I’ve been following your blog for a few weeks now and I find it hilarious. While I think the information you have presented about what men expect out of a potential mate is extremely accurate for the majority of males out
    there, please allow me to present my perceptions of what the average female requires from her aspiring beau.

    A sensitivity to emotional fluctuation that borders on e.s.p., the ability to read untold numbers of esoteric signals and body language, a ninja-like ability to stand motionless for hours at a time, yet able to spring into action immediately. Despite possessing bodies that always seem to be decomposing, men must
    strive always to remain a closed system. We are expected to recognize and respond to 64,000 shades of emotion but express roughly 16. We have to be a “renaissance man”,which we understand translates into “artistic and ambitious AND rich”.

    I forgot a few things. I know you did too. Man, that felt good. Thank you.

    Reply

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