“How can you not know how to find porn?” he asked, as if it were the part of the TV movie in which he discovers that I never learned to read.
“I am from New England,” I said with great dignity. “We are born wearing plastic underpants like Barbie. Also, we do not have nipples.”
But anyway, I’ve gotten off-track. My actual point is that there are several things that I am embarrassed to disclose about myself, and that I will now do so on the internet for all of us to pick apart. So basically, let’s party like it’s 2003, I guess. It’ll be fun!
- I am almost always completely obsessed with a TV show. It’s just one show at a time, because I am a serial monogamist. I start out by watching it, and then add it to my Netflix Instant rotation, and then devolve into this pathetic creature who has to follow tumblrs and livejournals dedicated to the show, generally one couple on the show in particular. Right now, that show is Parks and Recreation and that couple is Leslie and Ben. I am so obsessed with these two that it might become a problem in my marriage if it weren’t for the fact that Ben Wyatt is basically my husband in a skinny tie. I haven’t yet started writing fan fiction for my favorite series, but it doesn’t sound anywhere near as insane as it once did, so get ready for that stage of my spiral into insanity.
- There are many words I can’t spell at all, including “embarrass,” which I always have to look up. I am an editor.
- I’m such a socially awkward penguin, I can’t do almost anything of a physical nature with any kind of grace or skill. This includes, but is not limited to, dancing, running, skating, standing still for long periods of time, riding a bike, driving a car, and walking upstairs without stumbling over a riser and falling flat on my face. Fortunately, no one ever wants to go dancing, or to get some exercise, or to take a long ride in a car in which the various drivers present should switch off. Oh, wait, that actually happens all the time.
- Similarly, I have no sense of direction, and am clumsy. If you go camping with me, I will get lost and then fall in a hole. It’s one of the few things you can depend upon in this inconstant world. I have actually done this twice in my life, despite only having gone camping maybe ten times ever.
- I am fickle. I need to travel to new places on a semi-regular basis in order to not be a bitch to everyone around me. Actually, they don’t even need to be brand-new; they just need to be a place where my things don’t live.
With all this in mind, you’d think the holidays would be a lot of fun for me, as long as I don’t get lost on the way to dinner. Still, there’s always the possibility that someone will ask you to dance, jog, or drive.