Via IM:
“You know you’re gay when the marriage equality march conflicts with your Kylie Minogue concert tickets.”
Archive | June, 2009
Hi, It’s Raining
18 JunI’m telling you because I’m sure you haven’t noticed. Of course, some of you might actually live in a place where it hasn’t rained for 4000 consecutive days, where the sidewalks aren’t currently rejecting more water because they’re full up, in the manner of a sponge, where every piece of clothing you own doesn’t smell like mildew and old laundry and to you folks I say, fuck you, seriously. It’s so gross out, I can’t even manage a paragraph break.
Well, maybe I can manage one for this: It is also bra awareness day, which, in case you didn’t know, is the day on which I am aware of my bra. It’s either a bad sign weight-wise, or an awesome sign boob-wise. Let’s look on the bright side, since the rain is gloomy enough. Yay, boobs! Feh.
F***ing Ouch
18 JunI appear to have sprangled something in my back. I’m not sure what it is, but I can assure you that it’s a very important part of my back and that I need it.
If I were to guess what was going on, purely by sensation and the MD I surely deserve after years of freaking out over internet medical info, I would say that one of my vertebra has become displaced and is now lodged firmly in my stomach. Either that or my liver exploded at my birthday party and is now slowly disintegrating my spinal column as punishment for that last vodka tonic.
What really upsets me about this is that I”ll have to go to a real doctor, instead of reading spurious medical hypotheses online. This means that I don’t get to worry about bullshit fake diseases anymore, which is a shame because I only have so many hobbies, and that I will have to go sit in the doctor’s office, where the sick people are. And everyone knows their body odor is what makes people ill. Case in point: I never needed glasses until I went to the eye doctor some 23 years ago. I obviously caught myopia from some precious little child actor type with a lisp who was lolling about the waiting room, waiting to infect me with bad eyesight and cuteness.
At least I got the cuteness.
Ow.
Please Note:
16 JunIronic mustaches are no longer allowed. I didn’t want to throw my weight around like this, but I saw something this morning that forced my hand.
Whilst leaving the F train, I witnessed a gentleman who was exactly one parrot short of being a pirate. “Did he have an eye patch?” you scoff.
Yes. Yes, he did.
So clearly, I have no other choice. No more ironic mustaches. I’m sorry. That’s just the way it has to be.
In future, you may grow that mustache if you are dead fucking serious. And own a boat. Thank you.
Recent Email From the Mouse
5 JunWhat follows is an email from the Drunken Mouse, sent yesterday and still amusing me today:
Had a few drinks last night and you were a momentary topic of conversation:
OVERHEARD ABOUT JEN HUBLEY IN NEW YORK
Drunk 1: So your friend Jen…
Drunken Mouse: Yeah?
Drunk 1: She is a good drinker.
Drunken Mouse: That is why we are best pals. We been drinkin’ each other under the table for years.
Drunken Mouse: She is wee and Irish and I have no idea where she puts it.
Drunks 1 & 2: Oh we know where she puts it.
Drunken Mouse: Hardy har har.
Drunk 2: No, seriously she’s bad-ass with her “I dare you not to look at my boobs” thing.
Drunken Mouse: That is BS. I just look. Lady Mouse looks and I am pretty sure God looks too. They are great and she is sharing the view.
Drunk 2: Does she have a boyfriend?
Drunken Mouse: She does now.
Drunk 2: Does he get upset about you guys hanging out?
Drunken Mouse: I don’t think so. Besides,”Bros before hoes.”
Ladies and gentlemen, this is why I get to be a groomsman at his wedding.
