February 25, 2010
Sgt. Lucky: And here we have another person leaving their life partner while that partner is dying.
Me: Yup.
Sgt. Lucky: The theme of this show isn’t “Everyone lies.” It’s “Nobody loves you.”
A few weeks ago we were watching House and the diagnosis hinged on whether or not the patient was cheating on her husband. If she was, she had an STD, and could be cured. If she wasn’t, she had something else, and would die. The husband was hoping for the non-STD death causing disease.
Quoth Sgt Lucky: That’s some bullshit. If we were in that spot? I’d be all, “Come on, STD! Anyone can make a mistake!”
It’s possible that he likes me.
February 12, 2010
Me: The more I hear about giving birth, the more I think I probably won’t be able to do it.
Sgt Lucky: Yes, you will.
Me: No, I mean, it seems to take hours and cause sweating. I hate both those things. Also, I’m pretty sure my makeup will run.
Sgt Lucky: You’ll look cute.
Me: Will you bring my makeup to the hospital?
Sgt Lucky: Sure.
Me: Will you hold the mirror while I reapply my eyebrows?
Sgt Lucky: Of course.
Before you ask, no, I’m not pregnant. But it’s nice to know I’ll be in good hands when the time comes.
February 7, 2010
This week, both my computer and my cell phone broke. My computer can’t connect to wireless. It just searches and searches, lamp held aloft, for an honest IP address. The cell phone acts like everything’s OK, and then it says it can’t find its smart chip. I don’t know about you, but there are a lot of things I can take from a wireless device, and passive aggression isn’t one of them.
All of this comes at the worst possible time, because I’m somewhat low on funds. The cash I would have spent on new gadgets is now sitting in the bottom of my closet, in the form of blue rubber shoes. (Judge me if you want. But I bet your life would be better with blue rubber shoes. Think about it.)
My point is that the electronic items in your house are just waiting for you to purchase kicky accessories. The moment you do, they’ll fail. You have been warned.
January 27, 2010
Me: Lately, I just feel like everyone’s least favorite bitch.
Ma Smash: Oh, honey! You know you’re my most favorite bitch in the WHOLE WORLD!
Oddly, that made me feel much better.
January 26, 2010
Every so often, the internet graveyard throws up a blog that is both hilarious and no longer updated. Things My Boyfriend Says is one of those.
The good news for you, if you haven’t read it, is that you have a treat in store for you. The bad news for all of us is that it’s a limited treat. Think of it like falling in love with a British TV show. You know, at most, you’ll probably only get another 6-episode “series.”
Here are a few select quotes:
While snuggling:
me: Who loves you?
e: Megatron.
me: It’s my birthday soon. You’d better get me something pretty.
e: I’ll get ME something pretty, and you can play with it.
On learning that we were out of toilet paper:
“How long until we start using the placemats and pillowcases and crawling along the carpet like dogs with worms?”
There’s more! You should read it.
January 25, 2010
Me: Are those my pants?
Sgt. Lucky: Are they? I couldn’t figure out when I bought them.
Me: They totally are! OMG, you’re wearing girl pants.
Sgt. Lucky: Actually, I think you were wearing boy pants. Wait – are those my pants?
Me: (Looks down guiltily.) What, these? Yes. Yes, they are.
January 21, 2010
Argggh, I missed blogging yesterday. Which means the grand experiment – for reals – lasted, um 20 days.
That’s not bad, when you consider that I probably blogged 20 times during the previous six months, so I’m going to try to take it in stride and keep going. It is, as we say in teh yogas, the intention, not the perfection.
I have excuses, which I will now give you. For one thing, I’m planning a wedding, which is about as entertaining to hear about as a play-by-play of another person’s dreams. However, it’s quite complicated, it turns out.
I’ll tell you this: you start out thinking you want to invite everyone you know, plus a date, and then wind up thinking people will have to bring flasks and meet you in an alley behind city hall.
So that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.
January 19, 2010
Sgt. Lucky: I have a twitch in my eye. I had one in my leg earlier.
Me: You probably need potassium. Eat a banana.
Sgt. Lucky: I don’t WANT a banana.
Me: Bananas are good for you.
Sgt. Lucky: You’re obsessed with bananas. You can’t get me to eat them. I won’t do it!
Me: Wait. Since when don’t you like bananas?
Sgt. Lucky: Since you tried to FORCE me to EAT them.
Me: (Laughing.) When was that?
Sgt. Lucky: All the time! IT’S ALL YOU EVER TALK ABOUT ANYMORE.
Me: …
Sgt. Lucky: (Nearly giggling now, although in a very manly fashion.) I beg you, I plead. “Please,” I say. “Any other topic of conversation. Anything but bananas.” But no.
Me: ….
Sgt. Lucky: I tell you that I love you! I whisper endearments! I tell you that you’re the only one for me! And what do I get in return? Bananas. Well, I don’t want any.
I obviously have no choice but to start smuggling them into his lunch.
January 18, 2010
…during which my internet is working today to update. There are definitely trolls living in our router. Either that or my computer is now officially too old to connect to the series of the tubes.
January 17, 2010
Because it is a brilliant blog about a guy who talks in his sleep, and says things like this [excerpted from the Jan 11 post]:
“Your mum’s at the door again. Bury me. Bury me deep.”
“Yeah, keep looking. It doesn’t get any better than this.”
“Shhhhhhhhh. shhhhhhhhh. I’m telling you: your voice, my ears. A bad combination.”
“You’re pretty. pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty…. [long pause] Now fuck off and be pretty somewhere else. I’m bored.”
You really need to read the rest.
